Gross.

So I'm reading the headlines to do research for the site I write for, and I see that Christina Aguilera is trending. This makes me wonder what on earth the singer could have done to be the number one trending topic on google news. My mine right away went to wondering if she had died, or gotten hurt, or arrested. None of these things is actually what happened. What happened was, she liked food.

The only part of the AMAs that I managed to catch last night was the part where Christina performed. I thought she looked amazing. I thought that she picked clothes that actually looked good on her body. Everything fit. She wasn't all sausaged in to her clothing. Sure it was revealing  and sure it was tight, but she didn't look gross. In fact I thought she looked amazing.

Maybe it's because I have a daughter now, that I'm starting to get more annoyed about all these body issues, but it's really annoying that this is news. It's annoying that weight is ever news. In fact unless the person has to be removed from their house by ambulance, then their weight should never make the news. EVER.

Know what else should never make the news? Anything involving a celebrity's kids, or divorce, except maybe to mention that had a kid, and got a divorce. That's it. The story should go like this: "so and so just ended their marriage of so many years." Then we should immediately move on to news that is actually news. Like, sex trafficking  or dogs that save other dogs, or Tim Horton's changing their cup sizes. You know, news that actually affects real people, living in the real world.

(My spell check is telling me that sausaged is not a real word. I think it's broken.).

Bullying - AGAIN

With the focus once again on another teenager that has committed suicide because of bullying, the focus is once again on prevention. While I find that this is very important, I think that we need to start focusing on putting some actual pressure on these bullies. I think we need to come up with a plan that says "look, if you do this shit, you're gonna get X as punishment." I have no idea what that would be, but I think we need to start looking into it.

The reason for my big push to actually punish bullies, is the fact that they actually use suicide as a bullying technique. They tell kids to kill themselves. They think that it shows that they are weak. You think that these bullies feel bad for what they did? Do you think that kids killing themselves actually shows the bullies anything? It doesn't. It doesn't show them that what they did isn't acceptable, it doesn't do anything.

I'm not against suicide. More than a lot of people I am all too aware of how much pain you need to be in to be at that point where you know that ending it is the only thing that will make it better. People talk about people that commit suicide as being selfish, and weak. It's the opposite in their minds. They think they are helping people by not being around, and it takes a lot more than most people have in them to take your own life. It's programmed into us to be afraid to die. To take it upon yourself to go against that is very difficult. No matter what people think.

I personally think that these bullies need to pay. I think that it's time we start throwing them in jail, or making them part of chain gang, or charging them a fine that they can't pay, so they have to spend the rest of their teen years working it off. That's my personal thought.

Bullies never go away. I know this to be true, even as an adult. That doesn't mean we have to sit here and let them get away with the disgusting behaviour that they have decided is okay.

How my Anxiety is Keeping me Poor.

So, for whatever reason I am no longer getting shifts this month. I had one shift this pay. Now as a part time RN, I am expected to pick up extra shifts as people call in sick, or take last minute days off. That works just well, except most of those shifts are day shifts. Day shifts and my anxiety are arch enemies. The two of them just don't get along, and in their fighting they usually end up making me very sick.

It has been suggested several times that I need to go to my manager and talk to her about my issues, so that she knows exactly what is going on. My issue with this is the fact that I really don't like to be the one that complains. I don't want to be the one that needs to have certain shifts for special reasons. My pride is standing in my way. If I would be able to just go to her and ask to be put on night shifts only, that would make my life a lot easier.

One thing I have also noticed is the way that people look at you when you turn down a shift. I feel as though I have to justify everything, to everyone. It's no one's business what I do and why I do it. They really don't get to tell me what shifts I should be taking and Why I should be taking them. Doesn't seem to stop the gossip though. People seem to feel the need to judge you no matter what you do.

I am hoping to hear about a full time job some place that isn't the hospital, but that's also leaving me with considerable amounts of anxiety. Am I ready to do a full time job? Am I going to be able to handle a straight day shift schedule, even if those day shifts are only 8 hours long? There was a time when I was able to do them just fine, but can I do that now? Is being poor a bigger trigger for anxiety than working days? (well the answer to that one is actually no.)

I am thankful for the understanding of some of the people around me. Other people in my life are annoyed that I'm not out making as much money as I possibly can. Those are the people that still judge everything that happens, even though they have seen what mental illness can do to a person. I have no idea why these people still think that way. Still considered weak if you can't get up, and go to work. It's fucking frustrating

Frustration

Of course day shifts this week mean that I get hit with a wave of anxiety that was completely uncontrollable. I I knew as I was staring at the clock at 330 am with only two hours to go before my alarm was to wake me up for my day, that I should have stayed home. I knew actually at 10pm last night that I should be staying home. I know my body. I know how well I work under those circumstances. All of that means nothing when people are looking at you like you're coming up with any excuse to not go to work. Even the people that you work with, whom also work with people who have mental illness, seem to judge all to harshly. You'd think that a group of people that work with the sickest of the mentally ill, would be more understanding. They aren't.

I say that as a blanket statement because I am just too scared to talk to my manager about getting modified to be on night shifts only. The same anxiety that prevents me from going to work, also prevents me from staying home. It's very difficult. I am very afraid of being fired, but at the same time going to work sick, and dizzy, and exhausted from panic attacks, makes me a not so great nurse. The only up side is the chance of me making a mistake that will kill someone is lessened by being on this floor. It's not gone though which is a big problem.

My wish is that people didn't look at me as though I was making everything up because I'm able to cope just slightly better than the people admitted to the unit. I know I say it all the time, but I really do wish that anxiety was viewed as a real illness not just one of those ones that people make up. Or better still, not an excuse that people who are lazy use.

You don't have to understand it, but it is important that people start to realize that it isn't as simple as just "doing the job anyway". It isn't as simple as "get the fuck out of the house". It isn't as simple as understanding that "you're strong enough". All of those phrases, even the well meaning ones, are degrading. Stating something like that means that you aren't taking it seriously. Stating something like that means that you aren't listening. It hurts.

Smarten up.

I figured it out!

I really have been trying to figure out where my brain has gone these last two weeks, and I'm pretty sure that Batman took them. I'd like to say that I didn't get all wrapped up in the whole "psychologically disturbed man shoots up theater" thing, but I did. When I say I did though, I mean that the moment that people started talking about it, and talking about changing their weekend plans, my brother and I went to the movie and started making inappropriate jokes.

I can not imagine what the people, and the friends and families went through in that entire mess. I just can't. It's heartwarming to see how many people were willing to risk their lives for people. The whole thing was tragic.

Okay, now I'm going to say things that are probably less popular. First of all for everyone in the media that is using this as a reason to make guns harder to get, stop it. For everyone using this as a reason to say "look crazy people kill people not guns" stop it. To everyone that is thinking that this man needs to die to pay for his crimes, you could be right, but lets see if he's actually able to make his choices rationally first. He might have been, I don't know him. He might not have been, judging by the way he seems to be in the news. Once again, I do not know him, and therefore am not going to judge him. These are the things that I do know

1. He is not the Joker. The joker has green hair, so already he has failed. It's possible he is colour blind though. I haven't looked into it. 
2. He is very smart. He was working on a neuroscience degree. I don't know what one exactly, but I do know that neuroscience, is a more difficult one.
3. He was very sick. Okay, this is the part that people are getting hung up on. It's clear to me, that when someone goes out and plans the way they do, and is paranoid enough to do the things he did, and shows enough of the signs of mental illness, that they are likely mentally ill. I didn't need him to come out and state that. In fact I'm guessing he's so mentally ill that he needed his lawyer to actually be the one that actually had to stand up and say stuff, because if he was then he likely would have said something very discriminating, though likely would have cemented an insanity plea. 
4. Over reacting to this situation is, in it's self, insane. If I wanna wear a costume to a movie, then I'm gonna dress up like fucking Iron Man and I'm going to go to a movie!
5. Batman, did not inspire this man. Batman doesn't like guns. Or killing. The killing thing makes him better than Superman. Superman doesn't have a no killing rule. 
6. The Joker did not inspire this man. The joker wouldn't have picked a crowded room and an automatic weapon. Way too easy. Also a Batman movie woulda been a little too on the nose. He would have picked like, Magic Mike. And he woulda been naked. Joker likes a challenge. 

Those things aside, I don't know much. Someone more qualified than me will make the choice of what happens to this disturbed man. At least I hope so.

I don't even know where to start

For the most part I have tried to keep this blog out of politics, with the exception of my views on mental health. Though I wouldn't really state that those posts have been political, so much as opinionated about how much stigma there is surrounding mental health. Stigma is a word that is used often lately, and is placed against so very many things. One such things, or thing, or people really: is fat people.

I have no problem saying the word. I am fat. I have been since I was put on antidepressants and that was about twelve years ago. Short of doing more exercise than I really ever want to, and eating less of the foods that I really love, (I mean things like pasta, rice, steak, and chicken with super yummy skin on it, not "junk food"), I don't think I will ever really get down to my "ideal" weight. I should start by saying my "ideal" weight is already higher than what society says because otherwise I would fall over from being so top heavy. NO, my breasts DO NOT shrink when I loose weight, before you people even suggest such a thing. I've done it before. I've been a G cup since I was 18, I will likely be a G cup until I cut the fuckers off. But that right there even proves a point. Why are we talking about weight?

I follow a lot more blogs than I used to, one of which is my friend Jen's Fat and Not Afraid where she discusses fat acceptance, and the politics involved in such. Jen and I have discussed these things before, and we often disagree while agreeing at the same time. What we do agree on, is that we really need to stop talking about weight. Weight has never, and will never be a number that we should be using to decide if someone is healthy. Even still, the number should never be used to decide a person's worth.

In this society we have told people that there is a way that they need to look. We forgot to mention that less than 2% of the entire world's population looks that way, but that is obviously not something that's important for the teenage girl to know when she's purging, or the teen boy to know when he's at the gym pumping steroids into his veins to get the "six pack" that all men need to have. I do remember a time when it was important to tell people to love themselves, but apparently I missed the memo that said that you can only love yourself if you're a size 2, or if you have rippling muscles covered in oil.

Now, I have no problems with people being happy with the way they look, and weigh, and everything else that makes a person. What I do think is very important is the fact that we also make sure that these people are healthy. When I say that I don't mean weight, I am not focusing on a particular group, and I am not going to sit here and spout numbers. What I do mean is a holistic view of a person. I want people to be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Call it the nurse in me. I do think someone can be overweight or "obese" (which frankly is an uglier word than fat in my opinion), can be healthy. I do believe they can be fit. I also believe that someone that is underweight can be very unhealthy. The opposite is also true. Both sides of this issue needs to throw away numbers, look at the people.

I think that we are being short sighted looking at number when it comes to weight. I also think that we are being short sighted when it comes to looking at someone's body and not their person.

Worst Anxiety days Ever

I am in a spot of unmanageable anxiety. Nothing I am doing seems to help me control it at all. It's getting to the point where I am a bundle of tears and nerves at all times. It is making it impossible for me to actually go to work, because the thought of dealing with anyone is just too much for me to handle. The downside of this, is the anxiety that I have to deal with when I realize that I am a failure for not going to work. I mean what kind of person can't make it to work because the thought of it is making her sick?

The hardest part of dealing with all of this is if I tell someone that I am having a very hard time with my anxiety, and that I find it nearly impossible to go to work, I get told I need to suck it up and do it anyway. Thanks for the advice you prick. Like I don't already know what my responsibilities are. This kind of statement, many people may not realize, only makes anxiety worse. The reason is that now you have to sit there and worry about how many people you are disappointing if you're not perfect. I realize logically that no one said that I needed to be perfect, but the part of my brain that controls the anxiety lets me know that it is completely unacceptable to be anything less than perfect.

It's a weird horrible cycle.

My hope is that one day that I do not have anything to fear when I tell people that I have anxiety. It's a hope.

Conflicting Feelings

Everyone, or at least everyone in my parent's generation tells me that I have to put my kid in her crib and allow her to cry herself to sleep at night. This is done because otherwise "she'll never learn to sleep on her own". That to me sounds like bullshit.

Before I had my own kid, I just took this advice as something that needed to be followed. We let our kids cry themselves to sleep because that's what they need. They need to learn that they have to sleep alone in their beds. They have to be able to put themselves to sleep.

I don't know everything about this stuff so I have some questions. If you think about it, how is letting our baby's cry themselves to sleep teaching them that they have to sleep alone? Is it maybe instead teaching them that no one will come and comfort them in the night? And why are we teaching them to sleep alone any way, when later on in life we want them to sleep in the same bed as someone else.

There has been some research done that says letting your child cry themselves to sleep actually causes trust issues, and intimacy issues. I don't know if that is true either. I'm pretty normal *shifty*.

What I think needs to start happening more, is for people letting other people decide what is needed for their own children. Or at least supporting some of the parenting choices that are being made. I can't count how many times I have been told by people who haven't spent much of any time around Bean, what is best for her. The sleeping thing comes to mind the most.

I decided early, that night time was going to be Bean and mommy time, and that's the way it has always been. This means that I snuggle her to sleep on the couch and then put her in her crib. This works most nights rather well. Some nights though, she doesn't get the hint that it's bed time until 11. Then I get told that I need routine, and that she should go in her crib to cry and blah blah blah. She has a routine, and I am very uncomfortable letting her cry in her crib as a way of putting her to sleep. She can just as easily cry in my arms, where I can kiss her and try and get her to understand that I'm not angry, she just needs to sleep.

I also realize that this doesn't work for everyone. I'm not saying that anyone else but me needs to do this, and in fact it doesn't work all that well for her father when he does it. There has also been times when I have put her in her crib, but she spend the time chatting to herself, and is content, not screaming and mad and tired. I also realize that the biggest criticism is the fact that babies cry when they don't get their own way. True. But who really wants to be put in a cage at night and left alone in the dark?

Yeah. Think about that.

Right To Decide...

So, I browsed through my twitter feed today (@mellyboredom if anyone is interested), and I found this interesting little article on the Huffington Post: Right To Assisted Suicide. The article is actually taken from CBC and goes on to say that Gloria Taylor, who has ALS has won the right to have help ending her life should she chose to do so. This is a wonderful ruling.

I know that there are many many people who disagree with suicide and disagree especially with assisted suicide, and I am okay with that. To them I say: then you don't do it. It's pretty simple. I realize that for whatever reason automatically linking assisted suicide to murder is the way to go, but murder is when someone doesn't have the choice. And I also realize that when people have a medical POA do they get the right to then decide when that person has "suffered enough"? Those are all good questions, and I will not deny that there are some grey areas that we still need to look at (or not since grey areas are what make life, life), but for right now, I think allowing someone the right to end their own life, and the right to have someone help her do that if she chooses to do that is good.

In cases like ALS and end stage illnesses, people who are suffering pain that we don't even let our animals go through, should be allowed to ask for help, or state ahead of time that if they wish to die or not. (Dr's also, should have the right to say no, but I really don't think that this is something that will come up too much to be honest.) As a society we hold life as the most precious thing, and it might be, I don't have all those answers, but when you are in unbearable pain 25/24 hours of the day, why should anyone have to live through that if they do not wish to? Is that really living? What pain is appropriate when it comes to helping someone end their life? Again, I don't have the answers.

I like that we're talking about it. I like that the courts agree that it needs to be looked at again. I like that we're are having serious thoughts to what "quality of life" really means.

Suicide Intervention Training

So, if I thought that my job wasn't brain draining enough, two days worth of suicide intervention training really hit that ball home. I am exhausted. Two solid days of talking only of suicide, whether you think it's important to stop or not is enough to make me wanna sleep for the entire weekend.

For the most part the group that I was taking the training with was amazing. There was one person that the people I sat with didn't particularly care for, and it wasn't hard to see why. You know those people that always have ton interject the conversation with a story about their lives that has nothing to do with anything the group was talking about, but one word that was said might have been the same, so they thought that was an invitation to tell a long winded story about NOTHING? Yeah, she was like that. For TWO days.

I don't think I can fully explain how difficult it is to learn anything with one of these people around. You'd know if you have experienced it, but for the rest of you I really don't have anything to compare it to.

The good thing is, despite the constant redirection from the person in the room, I think the two day workshop was successful. Those that I have talked to feel as though they got quite a bit out of the two days, and I know that I definitely feel more comfortable in my job because of the training. I think that all nurses should probably have this training. We work in a job where we are more likely to come across suicidal people more often then say a welder, so it seems only normal that we should get a little extra training. Problem with this idea is the fact that even in the health care field the idea of suicide is still really frowned upon. Even this week I had someone ask me why we were even intervening. I guess the idea out there is, "if you want to die, then do it. Stop wasting my time." It's very frustrating.

There is nothing worse than working in a profession that is supposed to stand out as a profession that is compassionate and caring and hear people talk about suicide as something that isn't worth helping people about. It's sickening.