Saturday, September 15, 2012

How my Anxiety is Keeping me Poor.

So, for whatever reason I am no longer getting shifts this month. I had one shift this pay. Now as a part time RN, I am expected to pick up extra shifts as people call in sick, or take last minute days off. That works just well, except most of those shifts are day shifts. Day shifts and my anxiety are arch enemies. The two of them just don't get along, and in their fighting they usually end up making me very sick.

It has been suggested several times that I need to go to my manager and talk to her about my issues, so that she knows exactly what is going on. My issue with this is the fact that I really don't like to be the one that complains. I don't want to be the one that needs to have certain shifts for special reasons. My pride is standing in my way. If I would be able to just go to her and ask to be put on night shifts only, that would make my life a lot easier.

One thing I have also noticed is the way that people look at you when you turn down a shift. I feel as though I have to justify everything, to everyone. It's no one's business what I do and why I do it. They really don't get to tell me what shifts I should be taking and Why I should be taking them. Doesn't seem to stop the gossip though. People seem to feel the need to judge you no matter what you do.

I am hoping to hear about a full time job some place that isn't the hospital, but that's also leaving me with considerable amounts of anxiety. Am I ready to do a full time job? Am I going to be able to handle a straight day shift schedule, even if those day shifts are only 8 hours long? There was a time when I was able to do them just fine, but can I do that now? Is being poor a bigger trigger for anxiety than working days? (well the answer to that one is actually no.)

I am thankful for the understanding of some of the people around me. Other people in my life are annoyed that I'm not out making as much money as I possibly can. Those are the people that still judge everything that happens, even though they have seen what mental illness can do to a person. I have no idea why these people still think that way. Still considered weak if you can't get up, and go to work. It's fucking frustrating

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