End of Year

Alright so it's just that time of the year again, where people talk about the things that they are going to do in the new year to make their lives better. Instead of talking about it, I'm just going to do it. Then everyone can be all "I totally didn't see that coming."

It's possible as well that I wont be doing much of anything. So by not saying that I am going to do all of these things, then no one will know where I epically failed. It's just win win.

Granted labels might give it away...

Redirecting

Has anyone ever been 100% sure of anything? Like really? Because I can't think of a time. Except for those times that you're 100% sure you have to pee. I'm always pretty clear on that. I put it off from time to time, but I still always know.

I ask this question because I seem to be having a hard time with this when it comes to my ex. Since I can't say things like "never" or "yes I'm 100% sure" I don't get any where with him. When I do say it he can tell that I'm just saying it to get him to shut up, which to normal people might get him to shut up, but he's not all that normal and this doesn't work that way.

As of right now I just got off the phone with him and I am exhausted. I can't even tell you what half the conversation was about since I haven't got a single idea what I said or what he said, and I swear to god I was listening.  The problem is we seem to go in circles, and while I remain firm on what I think he seems to think that anything positive I have to say means he has a way in. The only way I could get around this is to lie about stuff and I'm just not willing to do that any more.

I feel like I am at the end of my rope. How do you break up with someone you still care about? Is it really impossible to be friends with an ex? If it is, why is that?

That Day...(separation anxiety)

Tonight I work. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing because money is awesome and buys me pretty things. Bad thing because it means that I spend the next 24 hours or so away from my baby. 

It's important. I need to sleep so that when I do get her back I can take care of her, and her dad needs to spend some time with her. That doesn't mean that I have to like it. In fact I'm sure like most parents who have split, this is the hardest part, sharing. I'm not known for being a particularly wonderful sharer to begin with so this is especially hard, since it's supposed to be the one thing that you don't have to share. 

I hear all the time from her father how hard it is for him and that he should be home with us (never going to happen), but he forgets that it's hard for me too. I'm not allowed to say that. I'm not allowed to say that it's hard for me to let her go with him, especially because right now she doesn't want to go. I'm not allowed because I made the choice that we would separate and have therefore lost all right to ever say that I'm unhappy with the fallout of that. I'm not allowed to be hurt that it didn't work, and I'm not allowed to miss my baby when she isn't with me. 

I say not allowed because that's how it feels. The moment that I state that I'm unhappy, I'm bombarded with ways that it would be better if I just took him back so that he could be here all the time then neither of us would have to share. Its a problem fix all wrapped into one lovely package. Except for the part that I don't want to be with him and so if I was doing that I would not be winning, only he would be winning. (except for the part where I would destroy his life to make him as miserable as I am feeling). 

He told me the other day, as he has so many times before, that my insistence that we not get back together is only hurting Bean. Bean has never known for us to live together. She's happy and well adjusted and smart, and other than never wanting her mother to leave her sight some days, she's really good. She has her mom and her step mom (my partner), and she sees her dad three times a week (yeah, that's right three times a week and I still get called unfair), and both sets of grandparents every week. She has so much love around her that I think changing the dynamic of that right now would probably be a bigger deal. She doesn't know it's supposed to be different and I think that teaching her that is harmful. 

In a world where 50% of marriages fail, and there are so many single moms and dads on top of that for other reasons, I really don't think that she's going to feel as though she comes from such an abnormal environment. (Okay the "my moms sleep in the same bed" thing might come up later but I have hope that it wont be an issue then either).  When I was younger, my "happy" parents were and anomaly, I don't really think the world has changed that much.