Thursday, June 07, 2012

That Day...(separation anxiety)

Tonight I work. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good thing because money is awesome and buys me pretty things. Bad thing because it means that I spend the next 24 hours or so away from my baby. 

It's important. I need to sleep so that when I do get her back I can take care of her, and her dad needs to spend some time with her. That doesn't mean that I have to like it. In fact I'm sure like most parents who have split, this is the hardest part, sharing. I'm not known for being a particularly wonderful sharer to begin with so this is especially hard, since it's supposed to be the one thing that you don't have to share. 

I hear all the time from her father how hard it is for him and that he should be home with us (never going to happen), but he forgets that it's hard for me too. I'm not allowed to say that. I'm not allowed to say that it's hard for me to let her go with him, especially because right now she doesn't want to go. I'm not allowed because I made the choice that we would separate and have therefore lost all right to ever say that I'm unhappy with the fallout of that. I'm not allowed to be hurt that it didn't work, and I'm not allowed to miss my baby when she isn't with me. 

I say not allowed because that's how it feels. The moment that I state that I'm unhappy, I'm bombarded with ways that it would be better if I just took him back so that he could be here all the time then neither of us would have to share. Its a problem fix all wrapped into one lovely package. Except for the part that I don't want to be with him and so if I was doing that I would not be winning, only he would be winning. (except for the part where I would destroy his life to make him as miserable as I am feeling). 

He told me the other day, as he has so many times before, that my insistence that we not get back together is only hurting Bean. Bean has never known for us to live together. She's happy and well adjusted and smart, and other than never wanting her mother to leave her sight some days, she's really good. She has her mom and her step mom (my partner), and she sees her dad three times a week (yeah, that's right three times a week and I still get called unfair), and both sets of grandparents every week. She has so much love around her that I think changing the dynamic of that right now would probably be a bigger deal. She doesn't know it's supposed to be different and I think that teaching her that is harmful. 

In a world where 50% of marriages fail, and there are so many single moms and dads on top of that for other reasons, I really don't think that she's going to feel as though she comes from such an abnormal environment. (Okay the "my moms sleep in the same bed" thing might come up later but I have hope that it wont be an issue then either).  When I was younger, my "happy" parents were and anomaly, I don't really think the world has changed that much. 

1 comment:

  1. Lets face it, from what little parts I've heard whether on here or chats with your lovely partner, he's delusional at times. At least Bean will get something out of staying with him... an active imagination! Stay tough kiddo. Kayley xx