Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Worst Person Ever

Last night my GFs brother accused me of treating her like a slave and using her only for my convenience. This is a bad topic of conversation, and possibly the worst thing that anyone could ever say. Since the start of our relationship that's the only thing that everyone has accused me of. Everyone thinks that the only things that I am in this relationship for is to have her do everything for me. It's insulting to the both of us. It's insulting to me that I would even consider doing that to someone I love, and it's insulting to her that people would think that the only way someone would be with her is because she's good at house work.

Now, I don't deny that she does a lot around here. She always has. It started when I was pregnant, and could barely do anything. It's a lot less now. She does dishes, and laundry. I do tidying, and vacuuming, and almost all of the baby care (which now that she is refusing naps is a lot). I do ask her to get me drinks, and do stuff that I could easily do myself. I am working on it. It's something I got used to when I couldn't move as well, but I am actively working on changing it and have been for a while. During the day I try and do as much as I can while she's at work, including looking for more work for me to do. I actively look for a new job while she's out, and I do already have a job (and do freelance writing on the side).

It's making me sick. When she and I first got together that was everyone's first assumption. That I was only with her because she waited on me hand and foot. It's not true, but that was how it appeared to everyone else. I don't show my feelings well in public. I'm just not good at it.

My anxiety is so bad right now about all of this it was making me feel as though I should just go for a long, long walk last night. In the dark. In traffic. I didn't (obviously), instead I got extremely wrathy. There was some talk of vandalism, including fire, but I calmed down and made sure that nothing got hurt or broken. Instead I sent her down to talk to her brother to find out exactly what was going on. It was an interesting night, but none of it made me feel better.

I still think that I am a horrible person for her. It comes at an even worse time because I feel useless as a mother right now as well, what with my kid not sleeping ever, and never wanting to go to her dad's house. I feel just awful around everyone. Like I'm just not good for anyone to be around. I feel toxic and horrible.

Bad timing to be called a horrible person.

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