Nano Problems

Other than being the 5th of November, it's also 5 days into National Novel Writing Month. 5 days with no tally to get behind at all. My nano days appear to be numbered unless I can get something down tonight, when the Bean goes to her father's house.

It's hard mostly because I seem to have all these creative ideas, but nothing seems to want come out of my head. I'm starting to blame the internet for that. With all of it's distractions. It's ways of making things easier while getting in the way of everything else.

My brain I think is on hiatus. I tried convincing my ex last night that I don't have any feelings, but he kept telling me that there was no way I was numb. It's oh so awesome when people think that they have the right to tell me what to do. It comes on the heals of someone that I trusted and thought that I had built up a really good friendship with telling me that I treat my GF (his sister), like a slave, and that I am abusing her. It was wonderful. I know that I don't, or at least I hope that I don't, but there is still that thought in the back of my head. Either way, instead of working on nano for the last 5 days I have been dealing with that crap. Crap I can't even defend myself against, because the person that said it, proceeded to delete me from everything without giving me any explanations. To me when people do that it means they have nothing to begin with.

So that on top of everything else that goes on in my life on a regular day, my brain just isn't there. Oh yeah! The not sleeping for days. Just wonderful. I do think that I need a vacation. I need to go somewhere that allows me to just breathe for a little while. Maybe even just sleep for days. I would love to sleep for days.

In sickness and well, more sickness.

I can only hope that this cold has finally decided to release it's completely gross hand that it has over me. I know that I'm sick of feeling sick, and I'm sure that the people around me are sick of me saying that I'm sick.  Not only that but I'm so tired, that I really just want to curl up and sleep for a very long time. That's really the big problem. When I get sick, I get tired, when I get tired all I can think of doing is sleeping. The problem is usually the last thing that ever comes to me is sleep.

In the last week I think I am averaging about four hours of sleep a night. There really isn't much to it other than my body is refusing me sleep. It must run in the family because Bean is also doing a lot of not sleeping. Maybe the two are related.

Bean is still the only thing keeping me going. She's doing this new thing now where she just laughs and laughs at nothing. Though tonight to be honest she was making burping noises, so that she would laugh. It was also hilarious. I think that I'm raising some sort of weird hilarious baby. It's possible. Or she just already loves to make people laugh. I'm pretty sure that she knows that if she just starts laughing for no reason that everyone else will start laughing. It works every time. She's a smart baby.

The only really bad thing about this whole thing is the fact that I haven't gotten anything done in the last week. By anything I mean writing of course. I've spent a great deal of time at my actual paying job, so that should help buy groceries and stuff.

How my Anxiety is Keeping me Poor.

So, for whatever reason I am no longer getting shifts this month. I had one shift this pay. Now as a part time RN, I am expected to pick up extra shifts as people call in sick, or take last minute days off. That works just well, except most of those shifts are day shifts. Day shifts and my anxiety are arch enemies. The two of them just don't get along, and in their fighting they usually end up making me very sick.

It has been suggested several times that I need to go to my manager and talk to her about my issues, so that she knows exactly what is going on. My issue with this is the fact that I really don't like to be the one that complains. I don't want to be the one that needs to have certain shifts for special reasons. My pride is standing in my way. If I would be able to just go to her and ask to be put on night shifts only, that would make my life a lot easier.

One thing I have also noticed is the way that people look at you when you turn down a shift. I feel as though I have to justify everything, to everyone. It's no one's business what I do and why I do it. They really don't get to tell me what shifts I should be taking and Why I should be taking them. Doesn't seem to stop the gossip though. People seem to feel the need to judge you no matter what you do.

I am hoping to hear about a full time job some place that isn't the hospital, but that's also leaving me with considerable amounts of anxiety. Am I ready to do a full time job? Am I going to be able to handle a straight day shift schedule, even if those day shifts are only 8 hours long? There was a time when I was able to do them just fine, but can I do that now? Is being poor a bigger trigger for anxiety than working days? (well the answer to that one is actually no.)

I am thankful for the understanding of some of the people around me. Other people in my life are annoyed that I'm not out making as much money as I possibly can. Those are the people that still judge everything that happens, even though they have seen what mental illness can do to a person. I have no idea why these people still think that way. Still considered weak if you can't get up, and go to work. It's fucking frustrating

Frustration

Of course day shifts this week mean that I get hit with a wave of anxiety that was completely uncontrollable. I I knew as I was staring at the clock at 330 am with only two hours to go before my alarm was to wake me up for my day, that I should have stayed home. I knew actually at 10pm last night that I should be staying home. I know my body. I know how well I work under those circumstances. All of that means nothing when people are looking at you like you're coming up with any excuse to not go to work. Even the people that you work with, whom also work with people who have mental illness, seem to judge all to harshly. You'd think that a group of people that work with the sickest of the mentally ill, would be more understanding. They aren't.

I say that as a blanket statement because I am just too scared to talk to my manager about getting modified to be on night shifts only. The same anxiety that prevents me from going to work, also prevents me from staying home. It's very difficult. I am very afraid of being fired, but at the same time going to work sick, and dizzy, and exhausted from panic attacks, makes me a not so great nurse. The only up side is the chance of me making a mistake that will kill someone is lessened by being on this floor. It's not gone though which is a big problem.

My wish is that people didn't look at me as though I was making everything up because I'm able to cope just slightly better than the people admitted to the unit. I know I say it all the time, but I really do wish that anxiety was viewed as a real illness not just one of those ones that people make up. Or better still, not an excuse that people who are lazy use.

You don't have to understand it, but it is important that people start to realize that it isn't as simple as just "doing the job anyway". It isn't as simple as "get the fuck out of the house". It isn't as simple as understanding that "you're strong enough". All of those phrases, even the well meaning ones, are degrading. Stating something like that means that you aren't taking it seriously. Stating something like that means that you aren't listening. It hurts.

Smarten up.

Worst Anxiety days Ever

I am in a spot of unmanageable anxiety. Nothing I am doing seems to help me control it at all. It's getting to the point where I am a bundle of tears and nerves at all times. It is making it impossible for me to actually go to work, because the thought of dealing with anyone is just too much for me to handle. The downside of this, is the anxiety that I have to deal with when I realize that I am a failure for not going to work. I mean what kind of person can't make it to work because the thought of it is making her sick?

The hardest part of dealing with all of this is if I tell someone that I am having a very hard time with my anxiety, and that I find it nearly impossible to go to work, I get told I need to suck it up and do it anyway. Thanks for the advice you prick. Like I don't already know what my responsibilities are. This kind of statement, many people may not realize, only makes anxiety worse. The reason is that now you have to sit there and worry about how many people you are disappointing if you're not perfect. I realize logically that no one said that I needed to be perfect, but the part of my brain that controls the anxiety lets me know that it is completely unacceptable to be anything less than perfect.

It's a weird horrible cycle.

My hope is that one day that I do not have anything to fear when I tell people that I have anxiety. It's a hope.